This past weekend we had to say goodbye to our beloved family dog, Jackie.   I have been feeling quite vulnerable with my emotions a pretty even mix between sadness, loss and emptiness and bone deep gratitude that this precious soul was in our lives for fourteen plus years.   I have been reflecting yet again about the human capacity to hold so many emotions.   I am no scientist and I know animals do feel many emotions but I would hazard to say Jackie’s top two emotions were excitement and contentment. But as humans, I keep coming back to the idea that allowing or fixating on just one emotion is like coloring the world with just one crayon or living on a two-dimensional plane.  By allowing my sadness to be held within a larger field of gratitude the loss of my sweet girl was not really so heavy after all.  Gratitude intermingled with sadness felt like the lifting morning fog, the sadness akin to the limiting field of vision that fog lends itself to.  Even in the thickest fog where you truly cannot see the forest from the trees in front of you, you know in your heart there is much more than what can be seen with the eyes.  Through deepening awareness and a sense of trust we know there is more than what we can see, something greater holding it all together. 

I appreciate the Message translation of 1 Corinthians 13:12:  We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!  Such a comforting sentiment, particularly when we are in the thick of loss and suffering.   You see, in my mind, it is God that is holding it all together, he is the calm clear awareness, the higher (highest) vibrational energy of love.  Gratitude is a spacious quality painted with the primary color of love.

Some say we should take the bible strictly as it is stated.  Poetic interpretation is shied upon, but for me words invoke emotions and movement, perhaps a lifting of our mental, emotional or physical fog.  This verse is from the creation story but invokes the feeling tone of a loving God who cares for his creation.  But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.- Genesis 2:6.  Right after this in the creation story, God creates Adam from the dust.  I creatively imply from this verse that the mist or the darkness in our lives is essential.  God then watered the whole face of the ground, or we could say all of humanity.  We could even consider that watering the whole of the face may mean tears.  A release of emotions that acts like fertilizer for the soul.  I invite you to sit with this verse a bit more on your own if you choose, and see what it brings up for you.  Perhaps a sense of wholeness, self-care in the vein of nourishing ourselves, allowing all emotions or being deeply known and cared for by a loving God.

As we reflect on wholeness and allowing the full spectrum of emotions let’s consider a bit of wisdom from the yoga tradition.  The klesas from yoga philosophy discuss hindrances or obstacles to attaining this sense of wholeness or connection to our true selves.  These obstacles are encountered by all of human nature and you will see them in yourself.  This is good news; awareness is the widest path towards wholeness not perfection.  The biggest obstacle is a sort of umbrella for the others and is called avidya or inability to make peace with our reality.  This is a big one, using the example of the loss of Jackie, there is really no denying that she was aging and suffering and ready to leave this world.  Next comes the mirror qualities of attachment and aversion.  I and my family were very attached to Jackie and we were averse to both her suffering and her loss, but our suffering would have been greater if we did not recognize these trappings.   Then, there is ego.  Oh ego, our precious identify and how the ego likes to hold on to suffering, it’s stories and problems like a badge of courage or martyrdom whichever way you look at it!  I sometimes think the ego is a large part of the mourning process and why some stay stuck in it for so long.  You see when we overidentify with our loved ones as a huge part of our own identity the ego can not bear the loss because it is like the personal self is lost along with the other.  Heavy stuff. 

 The last klesa is fear, particularly fear of death, one’s own death and the loss of the ego and the self.   It is so interesting to muse about the klesas and how they can come and go throughout our lives, even our days.  They are sometimes also described as veils.  I feel this image reflects back again to the mist/ the fog.  The veils like billowing curtains blowing in the wind or like layers of fog dancing across the earth, ourselves, our dust.  These veils obstruct our vision, so we cannot see clearly, we cannot sense the lightness and warmth that is there despite the fog, we have lost sight of the loving awareness that holds everything together.  So, the veils part and close, like the fog hovers and clears.  We are not meant to have it all together to shine bright forevermore.  Just the glimpses and the awareness that there is this level of peace hiding behind the veil  can be enough to sustain us.  For me yoga practice and time in nature help me to clear out the cobwebs, to see clearer and to identity more with those higher vibrational feelings, sometimes literally helping the dark grey of my soul to become more clear, more attuned to God’s grace.

I close with one more beautiful bible verse that helps me to make peace with reality. Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.- James 4:14.  Indeed, the whole of our lives and our loved ones are like this.  We could break this down further to consider that all our moments and individual days are like this.  This always helps me personally and to offered loving advice straight form yoga philosophy and from the bible. When we fight with reality, we suffer.  When we make peace with our reality, especially the more challenging realities we take comfort in the transient nature of all beings, feelings, and realities.  Today’s foggy gloom may just water the face of the whole ground.  Making peace with today’s difficult reality is the breeze knocking at your heart or the mist on your face, increasing your awareness, reminding you again of who you truly are. 

If you would like to further explore the klesas you may wish to practice yoga with me as we muse over this topic, applying it through body, mind and spirit.